Calistril 20, 4713 (Ordu-Aganhei, small hours)

Nihali helped calm my anxiety. I wish I’d had her when I was young. Much of what got me into trouble, or rather more trouble than I should have been in, was my lack of self-control. Outbursts, flashes of anger, saying things I’d later regret (or should have regretted a lot sooner), and so on. It wasn’t until I began seriously studying Irori that this really changed, but of course by then it was too late: I had already acquired enough bruises for a lifetime.

Nihali is, in a way, a tiny reflection of myself. She knows me better than anyone, perhaps even better than I know me. And that means she knows why I get into these mental loops, and more importantly how to break them.

All this is a verbose way of saying: I’m ready to get the rest of this out.

I suppose I should start with: the food tonight did not disappoint. Caviar, suckling pig, poached apples, fried potatoes … Qatana and Amieko have cooked for us for months now, but this was the first time they’ve been able to pull out all the stops. What we had tonight was truly gourmet. We needed to make an impact, and make an impact they did. But the enjoyment of it, for me anyway, was dampened heavily by the dinner conversation. Including what followed our little debate on how best to get me away from here.

I may have been stuck in my room all morning and with the Prince all afternoon, but the others weren’t and they made good use of their time. We learned quite a bit more about the situation we’ll be facing in Minkai as well as the road leading there.

The big news was that there really is talk of a nascent rebellion, but the problem is that it is still just talk. The Jade Regent is definitely unpopular, but that doesn’t mean we can just walk in there and rally the people behind us. Are they just going to take Ameiko at her word? Somehow, I doubt they are going to be as accepting as Dasi. More than likely, they’ll be as trusting of her as we are of him and that means we’re going to have to prove her claim. No one knows quite how to do that.

There is also the problem of getting there. The only road between Hongal and Minkai skirts the Forest of Spirits, and it is patrolled by the Jade Regent’s troops. Assuming we could even travel that way without being recognized, the general impression we were left with is that the soldiers are as likely to kill you as they are to protect you. People and wagons simply vanish from that road. Some believe it is the spirits of the forest that are responsible, but most lay the blame at the Jade Regent’s doorstep.

The Forest of Spirits is equally—if not more—problematic. According to the locals, it is not a place for people to go. Most, in fact, believe it to be haunted (hence the name). Exactly how it’s haunted is not clear but there is agreement on one point: if you go in, you are lucky to return. This implies that whatever is in there is not going to take kindly to trespassers. Namely, us.

So, we can’t go through the Forest, and we can’t take the main road around it. Which doesn’t really leave us with a lot of options.

Not that we had a lot of time to figure it out. We still had the performances to deal with, and though we didn’t know it at the time, Dasi, too.

The play was, I suppose, as good as it could have been. It looked beautiful, and the actors gave it their all, but of course they were limited by the source material. That, and plays that are not based in religious text or doctrine just aren’t a thing here, so it was a lot for our audience to take in. The actors, too. One of them even asked me what it was supposed to be teaching us. I didn’t really know how to answer that since there really wasn’t a moral or lesson, except maybe “don’t hire oni to write your plays.” In spite of these limitations I was satisfied with the performance, though that was slightly undercut when one of the actors muttered “I guess we’ll get to keep our heads tonight” under his breath. It was a stark reminder that we had gambled with other peoples’ lives.

As for the dance, we gave the Prince and his court a performance that they will remember for a very long time. Seriously. It was that good.

It was also just a bit subversive. Flamenco is structured improvisation. The music and song are never done the same way, and they serve as inspiration for the dance which means it isn’t, either. They evoke an emotional response which the dancer uses to create a unique performance. Ameiko surprised me by putting to music an old folk tale from Varisia about a young girl who befriends a winter wolf that has wandered south, away from the ice and snow. Varisian is a difficult language in many respects: it’s a mishmash of Giant, Orc, Thassilonean and Taldan, and it’s ripe with double meanings and innuendo. Magic may help you understand what’s being said, but it won’t grant any insights into double entendres, insinuations and hidden meanings. I’d be shocked if anyone there understood that the story and dance were a metaphor for my situation, and ultimately a mockery of the Prince. I like to think that Shelyn would be pleased.

The evening should have ended on this note, but then we met Dasi.

We were completely blindsided. We’ve always assumed that we’d be bringing Ameiko into a country that doesn’t know her, and that we’d need to prove her heritage and her claim. It never occurred to us that someone from Minkai might come to us. And, assuming Dasi is telling the truth, that is exactly what happened.

Of course, the rub there is, how do we know he’s telling the truth? We don’t. Sure, there are spells that can supposedly help, but they are fallible and thus ultimately untrustworthy. We have to figure it out for ourselves. We have to take everything he’s said, dissect it, analyze it, and then make the judgement call.

So, which is it? Scholar and researcher from Minkai, desperately seeking the only royal family known to survive the purge in the desperate hope that he will find an heir to the throne? Or agent of the Five Storms, hunting down the sole remaining heir that is, literally, right in front of him?

These are rhetorical questions.

OK, fine. It was less obvious at the time. When he just came out and asked if we knew anything about the Amatatsu family, I thought we were going to be taking down another oni right then and there. In my room. But, later it occurred to me that neither of the oni we have confronted to date (I don’t count Kikonu, who was deranged and clueless) have been so brazenly direct. Literally walking up to us and asking, “Hey, do you know of an heir?” is about as far from subtle as you can get. And to what aim? I mean, the Five Storms knows she’s here. They even know what she looks like. What’s the point in pretending otherwise? What would be gained by alerting us? If you’re going to be that bold, wouldn’t it make more sense to just ambush us and get it over with?

I was more or less convinced already, and then something truly astonishing happened: Suishen spoke to him, and he was polite. Yeah, I know. I’m as shocked as everyone else.

(Ordu-Aganhei, early morning)

My room was, once again, the retreat of choice for our morning cross-examination of Dasi. Maybe I should consider renting it out for meetings while Radella and I are stuck here. I could even charge for extras, like the coded language spell and such. I am sure Prince Batsaikhar will appreciate my entrepreneurial spirit.

Qatana cast her spell and we asked a bunch of pointless questions. What do you want me to say here? We are walking in circles. Either we trust him or we don’t. At this point, if he is anything other than what he says he is it’s too late to be suspicious. Come on.

Eventually Qatana decided to go the direct route (finally!) and just outright said that Ameiko was the heir. You might call that a “tense moment”. Of course, it was fine. Dasi wants nothing more than to bring the rightful heir back to Minkai. He even swore loyalty to Ameiko right there on the spot. I think we have enough. We’ve had enough since last night. No other answer makes sense. Yet, some of them are still a little suspicious. Get over it.

This trust-you-but-don’t-trust-you thing is going to get old. Worse, it may drive him off. And we’re going to need his help.

I am getting irritated again. Honestly, I think it’s just the stress of the day. We’re getting the caravan out of the city this morning, and then we are going with my Plan B: they leave, I stay, and stick it out until they reach Muliwan. Radella kindly offered to stay behind, too, to keep an eye on me. I accepted. She knows how to be discreet and I may end up needing her help. And, most importantly, she won’t treat me like I’m made of glass.

I also have to reach out to mom and dad and I really don’t want to go through with it. That conversation is actually what I am most anxious about. The Prince, this place, the deception–those things, I can handle. Talking to my parents is another matter: I actually care about what they think.

Speaking of the Prince, Chua interrupted our summit to deliver a present: a jade necklace. It’s lovely, but … I don’t know. It’s so generic. Like some afterthought. It feels like he has a stash of them, and he gives one to all of his brides-to-be. I don’t care, but I guess my pride does.

He’s also assigned two guards to me. They, too, are generic. They’ll keep honest people honest, but that’s about it. I didn’t point out that anyone or anything that is capable of making me feel threatened will crush them without even knowing they are there. I kind of feel bad about thinking that, but it’s true.

Well. I am all sorts of lovely company today.

Calistril 19, 4713 (Ordu-Aganhei, small hours)

I spent a good portion of the night coming to terms with this. In the course of a few hours I’ve felt alone and scared, victimized and helpless, overwhelmed and anxious, and hollowed out and numb. Now? Now I am just angry: angry at being put in this position, at being trapped, at being fetishized because I am a foreigner, at being labeled as “exotic”. Here’s a hint for you: “exotic” is not a compliment. It translates to, “You’re attractive, for a <blank>“, where you fill in the blank with anything that’s inferior in your eyes. That little backhand speaks volumes.

We can’t just leave. It would be perceived as an insult to Prince Batsaikhar, which is something he is not likely to take well. From what we have seen and heard, the people here live in a constant state of low-grade fear that they’ll disappoint, anger, or even just fail to please him. It explains why the attendants here are so enthusiastic to carry out his requests. Most people, given the option, prefer to live. Making him angry gets people killed. That’s the sort of person we are dealing with.

Ameiko is pretty sure that we’re safe as long as we are his guests, but this position is tenuous at best. Our status can be revoked at any time, and if he really needed a justification to turn on us without breaking the protocol he values, I am sure he can find one. We can’t travel across Hongal with a hostile government at our back.

That means we are stuck here until the last Feast, and that means I have to see this through. I have to keep him happy, too, even if it means enduring more … of that. If I slip up, if he doesn’t get what he wants from me, will this be taken out on my friends? Will this be taken out on his subjects?

I can’t do anything about the latter, of course. We’re not here to overthrow a government. Well, okay, we are, but not this government. In Minkai, Ameiko at least has a divine mandate to rule and that is supposed to mean something to the people there. Here? We’re nobody, and nobodies don’t start revolutions. This isn’t a fight we can even start, much less win. We’re just going to have to move on.

Ensuring we can move on is now my job. Whatever the Prince wants from me, personally, I have to find a way to give it to him. If it’s something he can’t have (for example, me) I need to refuse without refusing. To give the impression of accepting without accepting. Ameiko and I spent a lot of time tonight practicing, role-playing various scenarios. At first it just felt like a desperate exercise, but by the end … I have to admit it was a little empowering. I walked away feeling like I could actually exert some control over these events. That I could spin convincing half-truths, and use his assumptions to my advantage.

What does it say about my friendship with Ameiko that it has made me a better liar?

The point to all of this is to buy time so that we can get away safely.

And what if I’m right? What if what he wants from me really is me? My biggest fear there would be a marriage proposal (no doubt I’d be added to what I am sure is a long list of wives with whom he quickly grew bored and possibly beheaded), but it could be any number of things which are nearly as bad,  from joining his concubine to becoming a permanent fixture at the palace for him to beckon and paw. If it comes to this, my best diversion is my Vudrani heritage and customs.

I think this would actually qualify as irony.

Vudrani have a fairly structured society: it’s a caste system, marriages are often arranged, and going outside your caste for anything is, while not unheard of, fairly rare. Though I’ve never lived in a traditional Vudrani society—the closest I have come is visiting dadi and dada in Niswan—I know the broad strokes. It sounds awful and I want nothing to do with it. I am lucky to have grown up in Varisia.

Dad doesn’t care about any of those traditions. I mean, look who he married, right? And he’s not some black sheep in the family: dadi and dada aren’t much for these norms, either. It’s not generally known, but dada is half Keleshite. My aljidu al’akbar was from Katheer, and he met my paradadi in, of all places, Sothis. They were married in Absalom. It’s always been a kind of international family.

Technically, that makes me only three-eights Vudrani. I haven’t exactly tried to hide it, of course, it’s just that it doesn’t come up, and it’s easier to say “half” and skip the details. I am actually kind of surprised that no one has ever asked. I mean, it’s obvious from both dad’s name and our family name that there is more than just Vudrani behind him, but I guess that these subtleties get lost north of the Inner Sea, even among the well-traveled.

My grandparents on mom’s side are pretty progressive, too, especially for Korvosans. It’s almost two cities in one: there are those who long for the days of Chelish rule, and those who recognize Cheliax for the literal hellhole that it is and bask in Korvosa’s independence. Grandma and grandpa fall into the latter category. They are quite proud of mom’s marriage. It reinforces their view of Korvosa as a cosmopolitan city, and their contributions to it.

But for the Prince, I need to be half of Vudrani with an orthodox heritage. For anything beyond courtship, I require permission from my father (though, technically, I needed it even before that). Ignoring cultural protocol and norms will bring shame to me and my family. Protocol and honor seem to be concepts the Prince understands and respects. And of course, this conveniently and retroactively explains why I’ve needed an escort on both of our “dates”. The best lies are the ones that are founded in truth.

Unfortunately, this would only buy time for my friends to leave. If it comes to this, they’ll take the caravan out of the city and once they’re safely away I’ll escape and catch up. That sounds deceptively simple, but for once it really is that simple. A day’s head start is sufficient for the caravan. I can teleport short distances and that’s enough to get out. Then I can summon a horse—or better yet, conjure a phantom one—and race after them. Time it right, and it will be hours before anyone in the palace notices I am gone. Especially if I repair those little peep holes Radella told us about using magic. We already did that in this room.

Worst-case scenario is that I end up being held against my will, and they take my spell book. But the thing is, they can’t take the spells out of my head. I will memorize what I need to get away, and regardless, I don’t need my spells for dimensional hops. They cannot hold me here.

(early morning)

We need to prepare the food and entertainment for tonight. Traditional food and entertainment from our native land. Qatana got a little excited about this and put together a meal plan that is … a little over the top, so Ameiko offered some suggestions to tone it down. I am actually not too worried either way. As long as it tastes good, we’ll be fine. Those two know what they’re doing, and they’ll have an enormous, professional kitchen and a small army of sous-chefs, chefs, cooks and bakers at their disposal. I’d be pretty stunned if the dinner came out anything less than spectacular.

For the entertainment part of the evening we need two performances of something. So far, the Prince has treated us to a mix of arts and sporting events so I suggested we do one of each. More than one person remarked that the Prince wants to see me dance again. Preferably in something with less coverage than I normally wear. Yeah, I figured that one out already, thanks. And, fuck you, too.

My suggestion for an artistic performance was a flamenco dance. I said, “Ameiko can play strings, though we’ll need to procure a lute or something like it.” Flamenco is an emotionally intense form of dance, with expressive arm gestures and precise footwork that rivals tap for speed. It’s breathtakingly beautiful, and when done right it leaves an impression. Flamenco is a whole experience. And it’s roots are Varisian.

For a sporting event, I thought a mock gladiatorial battle, with heavy weaponry and armor, would play well. What we’ve seen of the people in Hongal so far is what Sparna and Olmas call “light cavalry”. Weapons are thin and sharp, and armor is thin. Lightly armed, but very mobile. While I’m no expert on martial weapons, I’ve learned enough through osmosis over the last few months to know that our fighting styles in Avistan are vastly different. A heavy flail crashing against plate armor both looks and sounds terrifying, and that also leaves an impression. And it’s something these people have probably never seen.

But the idea was vetoed because I don’t know why, and then we bickered for a while over alternatives that ranged from the impractical to the ridiculous. I don’t know why this needs to be so difficult.

At one point Sparna asked, “What about Kikonu’s play?”

I should have said “no”. I should have, but I didn’t. Now I am stuck here for the next few hours. so I can work with the actors once they get here. We can’t do the whole thing, of course, but we can do this one scene where … Never mind. It’s terrible, just like the rest of the thing, only it’s terrible in a way that is almost so bad it’s good. Koya was excited about putting together abstract crow costumes, so this thing is either going to be spectacularly bizarre, or a memorable failure. I count either as a win.

I think what all of this says is, while I should have said “no”, a big pert of me really wants to do it.

Chua knocked on the door a little after sunrise to extend an invitation from the Prince to join him for lunch and a tour of the city. Of course I said yes because I don’t want my friends, or half the servants attending to us, to be executed. But, having empowered myself to take an active role in events, I put this place to work so that we didn’t lose precious time on a glorified scavenger hunt. I sent Chua off in search of a lute-like string instrument—Ameiko helped here, showing him what she needed, and how it differed from the traditional instruments in Hongal—and some local actors who were comfortable with a little improvisation.

The latter was actually kind of surreal. Asking about finding actors slipped my mind, and I didn’t remember until after he had left so I had to go find him. As soon as I called out after him, nearly two dozen servants swarmed into the hallway ahead of me, hollering his name in a clamor of “Chua!”‘s. They practically tackled him in their enthusiasm to help out. This place is just one absurd scene after another.

(early evening)

Merely images and shadows, my ass. Prince Batsaikhar asked me to marry him.

Gods! I don’t even know where to start. I can barely think straight.

If I hadn’t spent all that time last night preparing for this possibility I’d probably be in a panic right now. A worse panic, that is. It’s not like I am taking this in stride.

He led up to it with compliments, and promises about how the city could be mine, and how much it’s been graced by my beauty, how I will always be safe here, and other over-the-top nonsense. Oh, I am sure he meant it all, but so what? We’ve only been here three days. He’s infatuated and nothing more. If I were so naive as to believe this was somehow real, I’m sure I’d be tossed aside and forgotten in time.

Just as I worked out with Ameiko, I stalled. I feigned nervous excitement—this wasn’t all that hard because the “nervous” part came naturally—and went on about needing to get my father’s permission, with what I hope was a sufficiently frenzied tone. All without ever answering ‘yes’. He just assumed that I meant to, and more or less accepted the delay as a mere formality. That part went flawlessly.

Less flawless? He wants an answer as soon as possible because we have a wedding to plan! How exciting! Just writing that makes me gag. I said, truthfully, that the soonest I could talk to my parents would be tomorrow because I (intentionally) don’t have the right spells prepared. It will be done in a public ceremony right after the Feast of the Dragon. How dramatic!

I’ll actually have to talk to mom and dad twice. The first time will be from the privacy of my room so that I can prepare them for what’s about to happen. That should be a lively discussion. Frame it right, and they might not even disown me.

Having to do this tomorrow buys us less time than I was hoping, but it will have to do. What choice do we have?

OK, this is as much as I can afford to think about it right now. We still have to get through tonight.

The actors Chua found are as ready as they’ll ever be. Once they got over the fear that this might get them killed, they got down to the business of rehearsing with consummate professionalism, and even spent much of the day practicing on their own. They’re good. And Koya’s crow costumes are a literal work of art. Each is a simple black outfit or dress, adorned with strips of fabric that is reminiscent of feathers, torn in places to give them a tattered look. They are positively spooky. It’s amazing what she was able to accomplish in so little time.

The instrument that Chua turned up is not a lute, but it has the right sound so it’s good enough. Ameiko is satisfied and that’s what matters. He didn’t let me pay for it, though, which means it was probably “appropriated” from the owner. I made a big deal of writing a thank you note to them, complete with an origami rose and a blessing to Shelyn. Hopefully they are still alive to receive it.

(late night)

Gods, what a night. I would not think it possible to have this much upheaval in just a single day. I am wrung out.

Sparna is leaving us. He didn’t even come to dinner. Ivan said he’s leaving because he has, in his words, lost his nerve. The constant threats to our lives, the poisonings, the paranoia—basically the entirety of the past seven months—has gotten to him. I had no idea. None. I guess it hit him hard enough that the only person he was able to face was Ivan.

He’s been a guard with Sandru’s caravan for as long as I’ve known him, possibly even going back to when it started. He wasn’t much of a talker back in those early days, but I think that’s part of the image. Who wants a chatty guard, right? I’ve been kind of hard on him about his gruff manor. I should have toned it down.

This news is going to be hard on Sandru. His employees are more than just hired workers: they are his friends, too. This has to sting.

There were eight of us when this began. Now we’re down to five. The Five Storms have a significant advantage over us in this way. We have to force them out of Minkai, almost certainly at the point of a sword, but their task is much easier: they just have to stop us. Whether they kill us all or demoralize us into abandoning the quest, the result is the same: they win. They’re well on their way.

This more or less set the tone for our dinner conversation.

I used that spell I got from Thadeus so that we could speak freely, and told them about the Prince. Most of them looked concerned or worried, but a couple of people were downright angry. Qatana, especially, looked like she wanted to kill someone (and I had a pretty good idea who that would be).

The pressing issue was, how was I going to escape?

“I have a plan,” I said. “You get the caravan out of the city tomorrow morning. Then, after the Feast of the Dragon, you leave and I stay here. It would make sense that you would continue on without me.

“I’ll find a time after you have left to slip away. I can jump outside of the city walls so I can’t be followed, conjure a phantom horse, and then come to you.”

The short version is: everyone hated it. Olmas, in particular, pointed out the big flaw in my thinking; a one day lead is not going to be sufficient in a country renowned for its horsemanship (and, I might add, notorious for its xenophobia).

“How about we stage your death?” he asked. “It’d give a reason for you to disappear.”

Radella and I looked at each other. We had the exact same thought: he could get angry enough to kill a whole bunch of innocent people, thinking they had failed at their job of keeping an eye on me. No. No way. I was not going to pay for my escape in executions.

But Olmas persisted. “I don’t like the idea of you running away from the Prince.” Presumably because it would make him angry.

Ivan chimed in, too. “We can’t get away fast enough.”

These were good points. After a long silence, I finally said, “All right. If you want to do that, then we should make it convincing and stage an attack. We can take the seal out of the box.”

There was stunned silence, followed by nervous laughter. “I’m serious,” I said.

I mean, this would do it, right? The Five Storms almost certainly know we’re here. How could they not? There’s been nothing subtle about our time here. Having a couple of oni come at us in the middle of the palace would probably change the equation significantly. The Prince would either evict us, or we’d have good cover for my disappearance.

Obviously, it was a terrible idea, but I was so frustrated at that point that I didn’t care how reckless it was. I just wanted to be done with it. But, of course, there’s never a “done” with us, is there? As soon as it seemed like we were in agreement, Olmas and Ivan objected: If the Prince was even indifferent towards the Jade Regent, an attack from the Five Storms might just cause him to turn on us.

And we were back to the same problem: the caravan can’t get away fast enough.

That’s when Ivan suggested, “Instead of faking your death, let’s make it a real one.”

He was being completely serious. He was seriously suggesting that I kill myself, and that they stage it as a murder or something. This is what it’s come to. I didn’t even bother saying anything as I am sure they could see it on my face. This was insane, and the answer was “no”. No fucking way.

After a long silence, a good idea finally came to me. Shut up. It’s been known to happen.

“It will take two weeks for the caravan to reach the eastern border,” I said. “I’ll stay here, then find you by scrying and teleport to you. I should be able to manage the spell on my own, but I’ll get a pair of scrolls just in case.”

The short version is: they hated only a little bit. It would still infuriate the Prince, but it would give the caravan a huge head start.

Most of the objections centered around leaving me here by myself, the fact that I’d probably be married at that point (as if I cared), and a long string of what-if’s. What if they take away my spell books? What if they lock me away somewhere? And on and on. It was like listening to my grandmother. We traveled halfway around the world to end up where I started.

I lost my temper. “I am a fucking adult! This is my decision!” I realized that I was standing, and that lots and lots of people were silently staring at me. I sat down and said, quietly, “Even if they take away my spell book, even if they take my things, I can get out of here. They. Can’t. Hold me.”

Was that strictly true? Maybe not in the way that I said it, but effectively? Yes. They can slow me down, but unless they plan on keeping me in some anti-magic bubble for the rest of my life, I can and will get away. That’s a promise.

Damnit! This is making me upset again. I can’t do this right now.